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Be nice. Most of us learned to "be nice" when we were children Š basic "sandbox etiquette." As adults, many of us are acutely aware of the benefits that the nuances of "being nice" tend to facilitate. Overall, "being nice" serves to minimize the impact of the tensions that inevitably arise between people.
"Being nice" is generally effective as a social lubricant It serves to smooth out the rough spots in our interpersonal relations, soften the tone of our negotiations and generally help us in all the other countless and ordinary transactions of everyday life. Experience has taught most of us the "be nice" value of the following:
• Politeness
• Concern for the wants and needs of others
• Consideration for the feelings of others
Warning! The double-edged sword: In addition to the positive aspects of "being nice," however, there is a dangerous down-side. "Being nice" can progress into a pathological condition now known as the Nice Guy Syndrome (NGS). At this extreme, it can threaten life balance as it transforms into a double-edged sword of maladjusted behavior patterns.
Here's why: When driven by an overwhelming obsession with and an uncontrollable compulsion to please other people, "being nice" can become a "disorder" which is not only unhealthy but which can also become extremely counterproductive.
Resource: In a wonderfully insightful and unique analysis of NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome), Dr. Robert A. Glover explains the dangers of this contras-survival coping mechanism in his well-respected book: No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting More of What You Want in Love, Sex and Life.
The good doctor reveals how NGS can wreak havoc in the lives of otherwise unsuspecting folks who are convinced that their intentions are not only admirable but are also guaranteed to produce consistently positive results. He points out that, in increasingly larger numbers, people are lured in by the silently seductive promises that NGS makes.
Primarily, he observes that as people act out on the symptoms of their NGS, they inevitably do so at the expense of their self-esteem. In short, too many people are making the seamless transition from "being nice" to becoming nice doormats for others. In short, they are being used and taken advantage of.
What is a nice guy to do? Dr. Glover has a recovery prescription for the mushrooming numbers of Nice Guys who are becoming the unsuspecting victims of NGS. His cure seeks to treat those who are feeling more and more like victims, less and less like they are in control and more and more like they are being taken advantage of by others.
Kicking the nice guy habit: The Rx for recovery
A focus on changing behaviors in some of the following areas will help many NGS sufferers to break the cycle of "nice" addiction.
1. Don't settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for.
2. Put yourself first.
3. Ask for what you want.
4. Be clear and direct.
5. Learn to say "no."
6. Let other people help you.
7. Don't let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever.
8. Be good to yourself.
9. Be willing to let go of what you have so you can get what you want.
Summary: Nice is nice. Too nice, too often is not good. Take a close look. Are you exhibiting the symptoms of NSG? If so, now is the time to take the cure. As with recovery from most addictions, if you're not getting better Š you're probably getting worse! Getting better is good!!!
Incline Village resident Bobby Covic, EA, is a tax litigation consultant, a member of the National Speakers Association and a prominent negotiation coach. He can be reached via e-mail, bobby covic@aol.com.
"Being nice" is generally effective as a social lubricant It serves to smooth out the rough spots in our interpersonal relations, soften the tone of our negotiations and generally help us in all the other countless and ordinary transactions of everyday life. Experience has taught most of us the "be nice" value of the following:
• Politeness
• Concern for the wants and needs of others
• Consideration for the feelings of others
Warning! The double-edged sword: In addition to the positive aspects of "being nice," however, there is a dangerous down-side. "Being nice" can progress into a pathological condition now known as the Nice Guy Syndrome (NGS). At this extreme, it can threaten life balance as it transforms into a double-edged sword of maladjusted behavior patterns.
Here's why: When driven by an overwhelming obsession with and an uncontrollable compulsion to please other people, "being nice" can become a "disorder" which is not only unhealthy but which can also become extremely counterproductive.
Resource: In a wonderfully insightful and unique analysis of NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome), Dr. Robert A. Glover explains the dangers of this contras-survival coping mechanism in his well-respected book: No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting More of What You Want in Love, Sex and Life.
The good doctor reveals how NGS can wreak havoc in the lives of otherwise unsuspecting folks who are convinced that their intentions are not only admirable but are also guaranteed to produce consistently positive results. He points out that, in increasingly larger numbers, people are lured in by the silently seductive promises that NGS makes.
Primarily, he observes that as people act out on the symptoms of their NGS, they inevitably do so at the expense of their self-esteem. In short, too many people are making the seamless transition from "being nice" to becoming nice doormats for others. In short, they are being used and taken advantage of.
What is a nice guy to do? Dr. Glover has a recovery prescription for the mushrooming numbers of Nice Guys who are becoming the unsuspecting victims of NGS. His cure seeks to treat those who are feeling more and more like victims, less and less like they are in control and more and more like they are being taken advantage of by others.
Kicking the nice guy habit: The Rx for recovery
A focus on changing behaviors in some of the following areas will help many NGS sufferers to break the cycle of "nice" addiction.
1. Don't settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for.
2. Put yourself first.
3. Ask for what you want.
4. Be clear and direct.
5. Learn to say "no."
6. Let other people help you.
7. Don't let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever.
8. Be good to yourself.
9. Be willing to let go of what you have so you can get what you want.
Summary: Nice is nice. Too nice, too often is not good. Take a close look. Are you exhibiting the symptoms of NSG? If so, now is the time to take the cure. As with recovery from most addictions, if you're not getting better Š you're probably getting worse! Getting better is good!!!
Incline Village resident Bobby Covic, EA, is a tax litigation consultant, a member of the National Speakers Association and a prominent negotiation coach. He can be reached via e-mail, bobby covic@aol.com.
