Ghost of Mark Twain roasts top newspaper publishers

Monday evening at the Thunderbird Lodge I had the chance of a lifetime to roast the best and brightest of America's newspaper publishers.

It was akin to Mark Twain having a chance to roast Horace Greeley and William Randolph Hearst in the same evening.

Having been provided with personal profiles on several of the potentates, I did my level best to make it warm for them without getting myself run out of the Tahoe Basin again.

Of course I took the liberty to embroider these profiles a little, which, having never met any of these people, was an easy thing to do...."



Sue Clark-Johnson

President/Newspaper Division

Gannett Company

Sue Clark-Johnson is a remarkable woman. Well, there are only three types of people in the world, commonplace people, remarkable people and lunatics.

She's one of the remarkable ones. Sue's a voracious reader, and come to find out, a good historian, where facts are not essential...

Sue is a cat person. The cat is the smartest animal in the kingdom. A cat that sits on a hot stove will never sit on a hot stove again, nor will he sit on a cold one.

We must be careful to take what wisdom there is in an event, and not more...



George Irish

President/Hearst Newspapers

George began his newspaper career as a paperboy for the Toledo Blade.

His family was so poor that when they moved, George carried the farm on his back. Like George Hearst, George Irish is a self-made man who worships his maker.

Persuasive? They say George Irish can persuade a fish to come out and take a walk with him...



Mark Contreras

Senior Vice President/Newspapers

Scripps Company

I never met a Mark I didn't like. But this Mark skis, and this is where we part. Whenever I get the urge to exercise I go lie down somewhere till it passes away. The only exercise I get anymore is as a pallbearer for friends who exercised all their lives.

Mark played the tuba in his high school marching band. My definition of a gentleman is a man who knows how to play the tuba...and doesn't.

Mark Contreras knows everybody and most everybody knows Mark. When seen with Paris Hilton recently, a paparazzi was heard to ask, "Who's the chick with Contreras?"



Bo Jones

Publisher/CEO

Washington Post

Bo is a dog man. I offer some etiquette for dog lovers on getting into heaven.

When you get to the Pearly Gates, don't speak first, let St. Peter speak first. And don't try to Kodak him; hell is full of people who have tried that. And don't take your dog. Heaven goes by favor, if it went by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Oh, and if you get in, don't tip him...publicly.

Anybody with a college nickname of "Waffles" should rightfully get a free pass into heaven...



Charles Pittman

Senior Vice President/Newspapers

Schurz Communications

They say Charles can be saved, but the angel that does so will require all eternity to rest himself. He played in the NFL, which I can only imagine is the National Frog-jumping League, and in fact has written his own frog-jumping story in collaboration with his son, who is also a frog-jumper.

Their book is to be released in September, and it's called, "Playing for Joe Paterno: One Coach, Two Eras." Joe Paterno, I must guess, is a famous frog-jumping trainer...



John F. Strum

President & CEO

Newspaper Assoc. of America

John did not celebrate New Year's Day on the first of January like the rest of us; no, John will celebrate the new year on September first when Notre Dame takes on the Rambling Wreck from Georgia Tech at South Bend...3:30 p.m. Eastern time....if you would like to set your watches...



Janet Robinson

President/CEO

New York Times

When Janet is not in the mood for pleasantries it is because she is asleep.

This is probably the result of her being the head majorette for her high school marching band, cheerleader for her college and bat-girl for the Boston Red Stockings. Janet grew up pining to be an auctioneer, but destiny had newspapering in mind for Janet.

I quote here from a recent article in the New York Times about the new Prime Minister of Great Britain, Gordon Brown: The prime minister, son of a Presbyterian minister, compared his arrival in London from Scotland 20 years ago with Mark Twain's arrival in Nevada in the 19th century.

"Finding Nevada to be a place of drinking, gambling and womanizing," the American writer remarked, 'I could see that this was no place for a good Presbyterian, so I didn't remain one very long.' "

Well, one thing has changed in the newspapering business over the years. In my day, our legislators did their drinking, they did their gambling, they did their womanizing, yes. But they did it with the press. I know this because I was the press...

Janet Robinson puts out a fine product. In fact, at a recent college commencement exercise I proffered, "The two best things money can buy are the New York Times and flowers for your mother."

Well, you might be wonderin' how it was Mark Twain got all the way from the Mississippi River to Lake Tahoe...



McAvoy Layne lives in Incline Village and visits schools throughout Nevada as the ghost of Mark Twain.